Lie in the Sun

*First draft, feel free to comment.

I have always celebrated the sun and warmth of summer as a kind of release from the rigid realities of winter. Blinding pain and pleasure sizes my pupils into tiny dots. I am suddenly malleable. A drug soaks into my skin, constantly seeking elation. The change in temperature changes who I am.

The warm and beckoning sun lightens my heart and soul. But gone are my layers of protection. Finally, I bask in the joy of naked sunlight. The pleasure of a warm dusky night changes who I am. Calmly, the light reflects who I will always be. A chill wind nips my neck. Laughing at disconsolate girl.

As the winter comes I fear the harsh realities that are sure to creep up again. The cold, damp air shears what little color my skin has. Layers peel and a chill creeps to the surface. Pieces, warm and tanned, turn and stress against a callous edge.

I draw up my task with efficiency. One by one I wrap my body with soft, dry layers that distract from the unrelenting cold. Deeper I bury myself into my cozy den. Finally, I have a reason to exclude myself from the activities and social necessities. I am unchanging and unrelenting. Starkly I observe my detachment.

The winter is harsh and unrelenting.

With all of the foliage clear and the warmth of the sun gone, intentions will seem as clear as day. As it is in nature, this transition is often stark and harsh. Many limbs break from the weight of the first snow.

As they are shed, without regard, they are tossed aside. Once green and vibrant, they are now decayed and rotted. There is no doubt that their infrastructure will not sustain.

Technology Part 2

I am thinking about submitting this. This is a sort of rough draft. Any comments, constructive criticism, and feedback welcome!

 

Delete

1. Facebook

2. Twitter

3. Create new gmail???

I didn’t edit

Texting when angry

Furious war

Don’t tell me

Doesn’t matter

4. Delete contacts

did you delete mine?

do you have it still?

One sided argument

Keyboard broken

5. Find f key

Ctrl Alt Delete

The internet can’t hang up on me

But that doesn’t mean you’re listening

is it you?

are you there?

6. Check your facebook later

Innate Observations

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

There are some questions google can’t answer.

Although there are flotation devices under airplane seats;

likely a parachute would be better.

The early bird gets the worm;

the second mouse gets the cheese.

Nobody ever put up a sign that says “nice dog”.

If ‘con’ is the opposite of ‘pro’;

is congress the opposite of progress?

A clear conscience is a sign of bad memory.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

binaural mind stream

green fluorescent light
structures silhouette
Up do
black and white
further In
focus mind stream
Of
powerful channels
passage X
drive through ten times
ten times trance dive
dear wanted wisdom
dark hemisphere
abundantly absent
Tether
short dreams

My pen

While I write upon lonely lines

Eraser marks declare tomorrow’s lies

Saline moments suspended in time

Expressing the emotion I struggle to define

Scratch off lead on white paper

Asking me explain my labors

The way when I write

Script instinctively deciphers

Expression engulfed in

Tiny matters

Come challenge my pen

Loosely grip the piper

Follow my lead

Whispers to my ear verse

Sounding the remorse

The whole stack of papers will surely burn

Clench my chest as the pages turn

Spilling a stack neat with regret

Tell a story most soon forget

My finger skims a parting line

Conclusions astounding

Weighted in time

please don’t read this

My face
Tears slick
Heart twisted
Lovely
Remember me
Especially
Forgive
Thousands
Show me
Admit
Betrayed
Hurtful ways
Effort belonging
Empty longing
From you
Brow
Furrowed
Dear
Blood is thicker

Rebekah

Walking slowly muddy water

Is a child and a daughter

Puddle drops and a luring cry

“Wave to mommy”

“Say bye-bye”

Sitting quietly legs drawn over

Sky drawn back and fleeting forward

“I gave you fair warning”

Not at all

You didn’t tell me

I would fall

Crawling through trees cautiously growing

Entangled in our knots gazing

Reflecting over long drawn lies

Blind fingers grope the rough edges of goodbye

Goodbye to my lonely

Good riddance my hate

Pressing iron in my chest

Torment follows deep unrest

Stomach burns for my ties

To my kin I say goodbye

When you’re young thoughts run wild

Soon you’re old

Wistful child

Tightening the rope that holds them in

Waiting for the light to shine in

Journal

The feelings are all somewhere
Reasons undefined
You sit there quietly
In the back of my mind

Hold close the reasons why
I don’t talk to you
I can’t even say it
Still I find it true

I love everyday
Every reason more and more
Some day I will define
The reason I don’t talk to you anymore

Subtle reminders of the past
A lost note long played
Words don’t describe
The bond we’ve made

I am sorry. That is what I want to say. I am so sorry. And although things could have happened differently, I knew better the whole time. Just shoved it down and pretended like it wasn’t real. Blamed it on your inconsistency. But that was just an excuse. A way to vent my frustration and denial and loneliness.

I know I’m ready. I turned enough in my brain. I’ve forced myself to say it out loud. But it’s still too hard to accept. That I did that. To you.

Inspiration

When I feel like trying something new

My mind falls too

However

Who will I tell this to

Creative bursts of lusty words

Falling through the back of my page

My hands twitch

Conjunction

Must find something too

Not a single page

Music finds me

Whittle off the edge

My favorite lyrics swimming through my head

Nonetheless

Crowd out the rest

Reaching for a meaning

Cruelty and happiness

Head of the game

Put my damn words to shame

Try for a walk

Crisp wind and water tell me

Unfortunately

Not my path to be

Surgery…Again?!

As a small child the only thing I knew about surgery was that I got a cool present after. A My Little Pony coloring book to be exact. And when i got back to school I would have an awesome new cast for all of my friends to sign and draw pictures on. My mother gave me lots of extra attention that I didn’t normally get and I thought that was just great. I could ask for just about anything I wanted and she would rush to my side. What 5 year old could ask for any better?

I never perceived my predicament as an illness or a problem. No, I was just special. Mom says that almost nobody else is like me. I have a rare disease…a novel, obtuse thing that provides me with all of the attention and presents I could ask for.

Now, six surgeries and decades later the novelty has evolved into a giant pain in my ass. Or leg rather. I have a rare benign bone disorder called Osteofibrous Dysplasia. Up until I was about 18 it constantly grew back resulting in a bowed tibia and a terribly weakened bone. Surgery after surgery was done to try to remove the affected area and it always came back.

Doctors now know much more about the disease than when I was five and strongly recommend avoiding surgery if possible. Would that knowledge have stopped the countless surgeries all those years? Maybe. Am I bitter? I try not to be. It’s difficult to say what the doctors should or should not have done. After all, the tumor spans over 2/3 of my tibia and has resulted in fractures.

Nonetheless, I now need a rod in my tibia to stop the bowing and strengthen my tibia. While I am very glad that much of my daily pain will go away as a result (not to mention the tumor is pretty much gone), I am freaked out! You’d think I would be used to surgery by now, it turns out I am not! Not only do I have the procedure itself to cope with, I will have a six week recovery time. Oh and did I mention I have a three year old daughter?

I have a wonderful husband and family as a support system but I am still worried. I am going to have no control of my life! Well, what books I need to read but that’s about it. Searching online for others stories and how to cope with a rare disorder has been fruitless. I also wanted to know how other parents deal with recovery and still manage a toddler! So I have decided to start a sort of surgery journal. An outlet for my experiences.

My surgery is September 13 and I’m it for the long haul!